ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
