we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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