don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
