either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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