the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
