There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Someone shattered a urinal.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
