oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it's like iHOP with fire
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
