she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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