Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She bit a glass in half.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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