my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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