I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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