Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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