Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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