Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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