I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
