Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
