I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
