I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
