11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
