No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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