I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
