We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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