dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
