i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
