Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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