Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
