you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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