shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
