Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
