My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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