Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
