Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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