the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
