why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I need to calm my uterus...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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