I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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