Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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