I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
