Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
