he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
