i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
