I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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