I can text with my tongue
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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