please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
