Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
