oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
