if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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