My liver just broke up with me...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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