I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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