dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
