Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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